Hesitations
by Luna Imper
Summary: The greatest grieves are those we cause ourselves...but this time, maybe he could overcome them. [AM Oneshot]


A/N: I started this way back on March 6 '05 and forgot about it since that day. I found it on my hard drive on December 27 '05 and decided to finish up the little drabble. It was originally "The Little Death", but since I don't remember what I really had in store for it (I probably did not know then either), I found that "Hesitations" was a much better title. I also think that the quote by Sophocles is very fitting for Aoshi and his grieves that create his hell and demons in his mind.

I promised Hos a fic with a not-so-sad ending. Here's what I came up with.

**Hesitations**

_"The greatest grieves are those we cause ourselves."_  
_ - Sophocles_

He betrayed his love in the Garden of Eden and now his life was hanging on a bitter thread of remorse and guilt. His adoring love with eyes purer than the snow which he praised and lovelier than the infertile cherry blossoms that never failed to bloom. Yes, she was all of this. She was everything and more.

**But was he?**

His greatest fear, that he was not good enough for her. His most horrid nightmare that came and awoke him with the sound of his own screaming. The incubi that visited him nightly were nothing compared to this fear. They were nothing…

And yet, what had he to fear? She declared her love to him many times, hoping for a response, and he never giving one. However, what was he to say if she left him for another? It would be greatly in her favor and what was he to denounce her happiness. She deserved much more than he could give her in a lifetime. He was no rich man. Yes, she would have a home, food, family, but would she truly be happy? Would she see those men pass by with women far less beautiful than she and instead dream of what might have been?

No, she did not deserve to be stuck with dreams. She needed something concrete, something real that he could not give. Could she really accept all the repercussions of their love? Did she even understand the repercussions? Would she be satisfied with him, beyond doubt?

Before his happiness came hers. If she deduced that she would be most happy with him and that life, then he could not deny it to her. Nevertheless, it was the flipside of the argument that scared him. What if she did not think she would be most happy? Could he really be able to let her leave him for another man? Could he really do it?

The thought of being with her, it was a gift from heaven in his mind, his hell. Being so introverted caused his mind to send him places he really did not want to be. His own personal hell, without his love, was one of them. Did she see that he was hurting? He was trying to say he loved her daily, but the thought of rejection sent him into a hell all his own, a world without her, his guiding light.

What if she were to say yes? Would she accept the man he was? He was not the man who was her dear Okashira. He was not the monster who had hurt Okina. He was something new. Something wrought from the graves of two separate beings. Could she? **Would she?**

She had not come with his tea yet. She was giving him too much time alone. She of course did not know that and he was too scared to ask for her to stay, to say more to her, to do more with her, to love her.

She had been spending less time with him at the temple. She came in with the tea, served it to him, and left with little chatter. He knew from conversations around the Aoiya that she was seeing some boy. She was not half as interested as the boy, the gossipers had said, but she put on a brave face and pleased her "family" by showing interest in someone other than an icicle.

Surely, that would have given him the courage to proclaim his love to her. Surely she would say yes and they would have ten children and live happy long lives together and die together. They would be cremated side-by-side, ashes spread together, be reincarnated together for all of time, to live happily ever after. A wonderful storybook ending, an ending that never happened for any couple.

He knew couples fought, for if any two people were left living on the earth there would never be "world peace." He was too much a realist to believe in such things. But maybe they could break the curse. No, there would be mayhem and fights, but many couples stayed strong. Surely, they could also?

Where was she with that tea? He was thinking too much. Maybe he should think more about courage. Yes, he had wanted to have the title of "The Strongest" before, a man of that title should have no problem telling a woman of his feelings for her. He would have to tell her. Even if he was not after the title any longer, he still could put on a face that would rival the bearer. He had to tell her of his feelings. No matter what response she gave, he had to bear that response and be "The Strongest."

But what if things did not work out like he thought?

Oh, where was that tea?

He would tell her today. No matter the response, he would show his courage and gain strength from the experience. He deserved a "no" after what she went through for him.

"Good afternoon, Aoshi-sama." There she finally was with that tea, pouring it out for him, trying to interrupt his "meditations" as little as possible. As if he was really clearing his head of thoughts. He really should never have come since his head seemed to be swimming with them instead.

"Good afternoon, Misao." A decent enough response. He could not just jump up and say he loved her after all.

Now what was he to do? She was not saying anything and he did not know how to suddenly bring up something as serious as love. He was not a spontaneous man. After all, how many months had he been thinking over these exact moments and those that followed?

"Misao, I…I…Aa…" Great job of not bringing it up suddenly.

"Aoshi-sama…what are you trying to say?" He had to come out and say it then and there. No considerations. No calculations, deductions, he would just lay his heart out on the floor and expose himself to her then and there.

"I…I…I need more tea please." Another great job of exposing himself to her then and there.

"Oh, I am sorry. I did not notice." He took a few hurried sips and she started out of the temple. What a wonderful day.

"AOSHI-SAMA!" Well, she was screaming his name now. What could have happened?

"It's almost noon!" Wait, what was he doing lying on the floor? He saw now. A dream. Misao was rushing into his room and to his side, panting lightly.

"Aoshi-sama, are you feeling well? You slept in! You never sleep in! Is there something wrong?"

This time, no hesitations.


End file.
